There's something beyond the realm of explanation that I've been experiencing lately. I have been talking to my cousin sister. My dead cousin.
No, I don't say it based on my vision but I do feel her at times. When I am too happy or usually most broken, I chat with her about how things could have been better. Ask her if she could arrange a path for me to reach where she is and exit this world forever. Not just my agonies, I have also felt her smiling, listen to my things when I feel excited. About how much I love someone or how I didn't even know I'd do so great in something or that how I amazed myself and if she had a part to play in that.
I remember it was my exams of 11th grade, on-going when we got news of some complications in your head. I had prayed then, day and night we had just been opening up about our last vacation at that time, those fun times were all through my head. I just wanted to know that you are okay and living. I don't recall how did my exams go by.
I was told by mom early morning, of your demise. Last midnight, you had breathed your last. Devastated, I went for this one paper, applying some leave for a computer exam. It was hard for me to understand.
Everything around me felt numb, but I couldn't express anything. The rituals were performed, I didn't know how to console or hold anyone back then... I just stayed with them through everything. With my uncle to walk for some rituals, with my cousin for almost anything. Wasn't it just a year when the same house had witnessed a death, my maternal grandfather's?
I often look back and see those times wishing I maybe could have been more empathetic and talked about it to them. I haven't yet told anyone about how badly I miss her and feel the absence.
Even now that I write, I feel the same gulp in my throat. And my heart seems as if someone dug in, took away a part, and covered it again so it looks fine from the surface. I just hope wherever you are, you are living better and spreading laughter.
To, the ever so mature before time, my idol, dear sister.
Wherever she is, the invisible power is with her.
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